I’m having a hard time at the moment

I’m having a hard time at the moment. There, I said it. I’m feeling far from my best. 2018 so far has been littered with lovely moments like going to the cinema with Topher, having dinner with friends, seeing my parents and all the little things in between. But overall, I haven’t been happy.

As soon as I’m left alone during the day that voice in my head starts creeping in. The one that makes me doubt my work. The one that says what’s the point? The one that says just stay in bed. And the one that says go on, just have one more snack.

I try to ignore it but it keeps coming back. Because to tell you the truth, I’m far from bossing it. My work life is making me miserable and it makes me feel like I did last time I was self employed. And the last time I worked in an office too. Then I make myself feel sad because I can’t seem to find my thing. I know there’s so many people out there who haven’t found their thing either but it seems like anything that isn’t my thing makes me feel down.

Every job I had, there’s been something wrong. Retail – I hated it. Office job 1 – bad company, boring job (though thanks to that, I have this blog.) Self employed stint 1 – barely made a penny and put a strain on my creativity, Office job 2 – loved the job, hated the company and the commute, Office job 3 – nice company, boring job and now I’m on self employed stint 2. Year one was great, year two I just felt myself sliding. I’ve made enough money to survive but only just. Thanks Topher for keeping us afloat.

Every job and every situation we’ve been in, we’ve just survived financially. We don’t have much disposable income at all. I just want to be able to replace something when it breaks without thinking about it and be able to go on holiday without breaking the bank.

Since office job 3 I’ve had ongoing health problems with my hands and arms. It’s due to repetitive strain which started in my right hand and it’s spread to both hands and arms. It makes admin work hard and that’s what I do. It makes me feel down because I need to find a career that isn’t so admin based but I don’t know what it is.

I haven’t even wanted to blog, which is unlike me. I can tell when I’m happy because I blog – if you see me disappear for a while, something’s usually wrong. I’ve been just blogging about stuff I need to – collabs and such.

It’s not all doom and gloom of course – I have a husband and family and friends who love me. I have the two sweetest cats you could ask for. And I have a roof over my head that isn’t going anywhere. But there’s something in my life that I need to fix.

I’m not sure how to fix this but I think I know where to start. I need structure. I need to take the pressure off.

Wish me luck.

Colour Walk Manchester - i heart mcr

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The Trouble With Guilt

I’ve spoken about guilt and being your own worst enemy on the blog before and I feel like I need to revisit the topic.

I’ve been falling into the same trap I found myself earlier this year – only it feels so much worse this time. My down periods seem to be getting longer and I’ve been feeling so guilty about it. It’s the same old story – I have my down days, do little to nothing and then spend the rest of the day making myself feel horrible about it. Not only that but I was playing the comparison game and it made me feel physically sick at times. Yuck.

Being stuck in this hole has left me in a place where I’m not happy with myself. I haven’t pushed my business and it’s because I’ve been thinking what’s the point? Sometimes it felt like if I’m never going to achieve anything, then what’s the point in trying. It’s a toxic way to think which lead me to spending a lot of days in bed doing the bare minimum.

I’ve let it slide to other areas of my life too such as my health which I was so proud of at the beginning of the year. Recently I’ve been binge eating and only eating crap, which was making my insides feel like crap. I actually miss fruit and veg. My weight has increased quickly in response, undoing all my hard work which has taken me back to where I don’t feel good again.

guilt - make dreams happen

So how do I turn it around?

Stop making myself feel guilty. We all get into periods like this and the only way out of it is to stop feeling guilty about it. Guilt simply continues the cycle and everything stays the same.  I don’t want to stay the same. Things aren’t always going to go to plan and that’s ok. It’s all about baby steps and focus. Here’s my strategy for the rest of the year and 2018:

  • Be kind to myself
  • Create a meal plan that will make me feel good about food again
  • Make my to do lists short and sweet
  • Make a realistic plan for 2018

Does guilt play a big role in your life?

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My Inner Critic Is A Bitch

My inner critic is a bitch. She’s a humungous pain in the ass. She’s a cynical, nasty piece of work that’s stopping me from reaching my potential and making me feel terrible about myself.

It’s not news to me that I have one. Everyone has an inner critic. Sometimes they’re in the back of your mind and sometimes they’re right there next to you, constantly whispering in your ear. Its just part of life.

Since going freelance, and especially since launching Begin.Create, I’ve found that I go through periods of feeling down. Sometimes they last an hour, sometimes a day or two.

During these periods I just can’t bring myself to work because I like what’s the point. And then of course afterwards the guilt comes that I didn’t work. So it’s a vicious cycle. I’m constantly beating myself up

For the life of me I couldn’t figure out why. But sometimes it takes another person to make you realise. For the last few months, I’ve been doing a skill swap with a life coach, Angela. Our latest session was such an eye opener.

She made me write down every bad thought I’ve ever had when it came to work, including things that people had said to me. Then one after one, she read them out loud to me.

It’s funny but when you say these things individually to yourself, it just feels like part of your day. But when you hear them all one after the other, it’s the worst. My eyes were welling up with tears.

I was so upset at myself. How could I be so mean? I would never talk to anyone else that way so why should I be so cruel to myself? No wonder I feel down.

So I need to learn how to be my own cheerleader. It’s going to be a long process because my inner critic is so strong, but over time I’m determined to replace those horrible sayings with positive ones.

Together, Angela and I came up with positive comebacks to my critic so I can practice everyday to make her weaker and my cheerleader stronger. I’ve got a way to go but now I know how to shut up my inner critic.

How loud is your inner critic? And do you listen to them?

My Inner Critic Is A Bitch

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2016 Goals

Happy New Year! It’s one of my favourite days of the year. The first of January. It’s always filled with hope and promise and even though it’s totally cliche, I love making new years resolutions. 2015 is in the past now and I did horribly with my goals I made a year ago but it’s going to be different now. There’s a lot of challenges that face me this year and I plan on tackling them head on. So without further delay, here are my 2016 goals.

Target weight – Get to it slimmingworld This will be the year. I feel like I’ve finally got the focus I had back when I first joined in 2013 and I plan on losing as much weight as I did then. Luckily I didn’t put it all back on so I’m not at square one but I do still have a way to go before getting to the healthiest weight for me. So this is how I’m going to do it.

  • Follow the Slimming World plan to a T.
  • Keep trying new recipes and snacks to keep from getting bored.
  • Go to group and stay every week.

London to Brighton Trek for British Heart Foundation – Complete it walingboots For those who have followed for awhile, you’ll remember when Topher and I attempted this in 2014. If not, see here. We got to 33 miles out of 64 and had to drop out due to the amount of blisters I ended up with on my feet. We couldn’t sign up again last year due to Topher’s hernia and I really want to finish it this time. Especially since his step dad passed away in November due to heart failure. I’m all the more determined. We made so many mistakes last time which I’ll go into this month in an upcoming blog post and we’re going to put them right this year and raise more money for the charity. So in order to do this, the plan is:

  • Get the right equipment.
  • Train every week.
  • Make myself accountable.

Self employed business – make enough each month to live (ie. pay my contribution to expenses and food) business Since I was made redundant last month and finished just before Christmas, I have been making plans to give being self employed a real go. I’m really not an office person and it affected my health last year so I really want to carve out my own career, my way. My first goal is to make enough money to pay my contribution to bills and expenses. Here’s how I’m going to do it.

  • Create multiple income streams.
  • Build up my freelance brand – make new product and stick to social media schedule.
  • Apply to things I never thought I would get. Put myself out there. I’ve been inspired by Tiffany Han’s 100 rejection letters.
  • Sell stuff cluttering up my house – including stock from my old vintage and jewellery shop.

De-clutter house and De-clutter life kikkikplanner Now that we have a house to move into this year, I want to make it a home. I don’t want to be dragging along a load of crap I’ve been dragging around just for the sake of it. That and I want to become more of a responsible adult *snorts. But it’s true. I love organisation but I seriously need to practise what I preach. So in order to do this I’ve got to do the following:

  • Continue with the alerts I’ve been setting up on my phone in advance like take car for MOT, Cats need their booster vacs etc.
  • Purge/Sell old possessions I don’t want/use any more.
  • Set up systems for everything
  • Make new house beautiful and keep it tidy.

So those are my four goals. Simple but I really believe in them and they need to be done. Bring it on 2016, let’s make this the best year ever! thisismyyear Do you make new years resolutions? 

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Yet another life update

It feels like all I’m writing on this blog is posts like this at the moment. So as well as trying to buy a house, plan a wedding and deal with the loss of someone, I have another bit of news. I am being made redundant. However, I’m not freaking out about it. I’m getting paid for January and my last day is 23rd December. So I’m pretty much getting a month of free wages. I’m actually looking forward to January and I seriously need a break. I’m tired, my body is agreeing and I just want a change.

Once again I put myself in the situation of being in a job I don’t enjoy and I seriously want to get it right next time. I’m going to take my time finding something good and in the meantime I’m going to attempt freelancing. So I’ll be making a couple of additions around here to advertise my skills for hire. Wish me luck. Regular posting will commence for December!

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